Four years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled the above. I read it again tonight, and, much to my dismay, here I am four years later, in exactly the same boat. It seems that I must be cycling through these same emotions and life circumstances much like the character from the movie Groundhog Day. Will I ever move past this? Gracious.
Nevertheless…why would I write a brand new blog post on the same topic? Especially when I have one from four years ago that perfectly illustrates where I am right now…
So here it is: dated December 21, 2010 9:01 pm
Lately I’ve wanted to blog. I really have. But every single time I come to Blogger poised to write what’s in my heart, I become EXTREMELY overwhelmed. I feel stressed about it to the point that I can’t get the words out and onto the screen. I don’t know what it’s about, but I’ve decided that it has to end NOW.
So, in an effort to move past this, I’m giving you the equivalent of literary vomit. Whatever comes to the surface flowing out onto the screen. I’m really sorry if that’s too graphic for you or if you have a weak stomach. I’m guessing that the few of you who are reading are moms…and you’ve dealt with your fair share of vomit.
Most of what I’ve considered sharing here leaves me feeling way too vulnerable. I’ve struggled a great deal over the past month…and I’m just now beginning to feel normal again. God is teaching me so much about the difference between guarding my heart and hardening my heart. That’s a whole other blog post though. Just know that I’ve had a hard time guarding my heart as of late. Nothing I need to go into great detail over, but I will say that I am the world’s worst at convincing myself that what I want for my life is what God wants for my life. And that’s not always the case.
So my prayer lately has been “Lord, I want to want what you want. Give me your desires for my life. The truth is that I am selfish. I see something I want, and I convince myself that it’s what you want for me too. When the truth is…what you have for me is a million times greater than the thing I’m willing to settle for.”
For so long, I’ve convinced myself to settle. Settle for what I think I deserve. Settle for the lowest common denominator. Settle for being single and (dangit) happy about it.
That last one was hard to write. The more I press into Jesus, the more I become convinced that He has someone amazing around the corner for our family.
But for so long, I’ve pretended that I didn’t want that. I didn’t want a relationship. Relationships are messy and dangerous and complicated. Throw a couple of kids and cats into the mix, and you’ve got a potential disaster on your hands. That’s how I reasoned it out.
It still feels scary. What if it doesn’t happen? What if I open myself up to someone, and they reject me? It’s happened. I told you guys. Literary vomit.
All of it ultimately comes down to an issue of TRUST. Trusting Christ that HE knows what I need a gagillion times better than I know myself. Trusting that if I surrender my plans, desires, dreams to HIM…HE will replace them with HIS perfect plan. HIS infinitely greater dream for me. It’s something I’m doing. This thing called surrender. I wish I could say I have it together. But I don’t. I struggle and ultimately am left with a choice each and every day, no, hour to lay down my plans and desires in an act of surrender. Knowing that HE is able and willing to do great things if I get out of HIS way.